Face-Off

For the longest time, I believed I was moving on and making progress. Although I have come far, I haven't dealt with my past. Because if I had the closure I have talked myself into believing I have, then it still would not hurt as much as it does. I think I simply push things to the back of my mind, meanwhile telling myself I am okay when I'm not. I am, clearly, still hurting. I need to change this. I need to face....life. Maybe I have been hiding from reality by burying myself in things I shouldn't be doing to make me feel better. I compensate how I feel with food, alcohol, and even smoking sometimes. It's not because I want to do those things. I do it to feel better. It is like my medicine. I only take it when I'm feeling sick. The trick to this medicine is it doesn't work. I still feel bad (sometimes worse) after.
After much needed contemplation and repentance, I know what I need to do. I need to stop pretending like I am okay when I am not. With no disclaimers, I admit I am still in pain from my relationship ending. I admit I am mad as HELL for my parents for not wanting to do more not for me but for themselves. I admit my biggest fear is losing my granny. I admit I want to be loved so bad that I would do just about anything for the attention from a man. I admit sometimes I just want to curl in a ball and not leave my bed for a week. I admit I wish I grew up with my sister and I am pissed that my dad pretended like she didn't exist. I wish my dad never had his aneurysm. Maybe, just maybe life would be so different. I admit I don't know how to love that is why I lose friends and I confuse men. I don't know what I am doing have the time. I admit I am like waiting for a savior. I know Jesus is my Savior but sometimes it doesn't feel that way. I admit I don't look at bills or my bank account because I know I owe and I know I don't have the money so it is just easier to pretend like the balances don't exist.
I am having a face-off with myself. I am "man-ing" up to my feelings and my actions. I know what they are, now I have to just win this battle against them. No longer will I allow the pain, hurt, sorrow, and impotent desires dictate my actions. I can do all thing thru Christ who strengthens me including the face-0ff!