One Day at a Time

I am as stubborn as they come. When I get mad, frustrated, or things just don't seem to be going my way I shut down. I stop my world even though the real world doesn't stop. It is moments such as these that make life difficult. Moments like these that I find it hard to carry on. To keep going. I try to smile. I try to look to God. I try to console myself. The problem is "I". There is no we or just somebodies to help me along my path. I am alone in my struggles. I am alone in my pain. I hate feeling like this. I have too many great things to do then to be stuck in a rut. So, what do I do?
I do the only thing I know how to do. I do the best I can. I take one day at a time. When that one day becomes too much, I take it moment by moment. There are mornings where I don't want to wake up. There are times where I wish time would half for me. There are times where I wish I was completely healed.
I believe it is getting harder because I am getting closer to my break through. Well, I am not sure how much longer I can weather this storm. So I hope the end of the storm is near. Until then, I will keep on taking it one day at a time.

Too Comfortable

I was talking to an old friend last night and I came to a sort of realization. This friend use to be like my right-hand-woman but unfortunately some events have transpired and for what ever reasons (some unbeknownst to me), we are not each others confidante anymore. Anyway, while I was catching up with her, I confessed to her how much I missed her and how she was the only person who 'got' me. We were like two peas in a pod. She mentioned how at one point in time we were 'it' for each other. It as in a best friend, counselor, road dawg, shopping partner, adviser, everything. And now we aren't. Since, we have exited each others' life, I have had to find all those roles in different people. In people, who have always been in my life but I took for granted. I had to learn to reach out to people and be open and honest with them about myself. Though, this journey has been difficult it has been rewarding because I have been able to see that there are other people who 'get' me. It makes my heart smile.
I find myself having to push myself to continually step out on faith and it gets uncomfortable. Very uncomfortable. Not the uncomfortable where I shouldn't be doing it but the uncomfortable where I need to do this even if I don't want to. I am finding myself more and more each day. I thought for the longest I knew who I was and I was only half way there. I only knew who I was when I was with my friend. I didn't know who I was without her. I had become too comfortable in that position. So when it was no longer me and her, but just me, I was lost and uncomfortable as hell.
When you normally leave your comfort zone, your instinct is to retreat back to what you know. Well, I couldn't because my comfort was stripped away from me. Life is still a little uncomfortable but I consider myself more equipped to handle it now. When God is working in your life, sometimes it will get extremely uncomfortable but that doesn't mean you should stop. It just means you should push harder because you are close to your breakthrough. So, don't ever get too comfortable because you never know when your entire world as you know it will change.

If I Were A Boy...

Beyonce and Ciara had a great point if the tables were turned on me. Guys would definitely not be too keen on females getting over on them as they do us. I use to believe it wasn't a guy/girl thing but more of a human thing. I allow each person to speak for themselves and allow their on value to shine through. Some guys were not worth a penny. While others were worth more than I could give them. Unfortunately, I am starting to see a trend. In this trend, my conclusion is the that all the men I have dealt with in my life are confusing as hell and not as real as they told me they were. The guys emphasize how real they are yet, when I ask them where this is going they don't have the heart or decency to tell me nowhere. Hint, hint. It hurts more to be left in the dark as opposed to the light. In the dark, I can't see where I am going. At least in the light, I can see where I am heading even if I don't want to go there.
I can't control men but I can control my reaction to them and I am not putting up with the BS anymore. If you are holding a grudge against me, get over it or talk to me about it. If you want to be with me, let me know. I can't read minds. I am bad at picking up these so-called signs. I guess my point is I hate being in the dark. It is unfair to me. I just wouldn't do those same things. I am pretty blunt. In fact, I say a lot of things I shouldn't but at least you know how I am feeling because I speak the first thing I am thinking without thinking. (Granted, this gets me in trouble but that's not the point). Boys will be boys but when do they grow up and actually walk the walk that they are boasting?

Face-Off

For the longest time, I believed I was moving on and making progress. Although I have come far, I haven't dealt with my past. Because if I had the closure I have talked myself into believing I have, then it still would not hurt as much as it does. I think I simply push things to the back of my mind, meanwhile telling myself I am okay when I'm not. I am, clearly, still hurting. I need to change this. I need to face....life. Maybe I have been hiding from reality by burying myself in things I shouldn't be doing to make me feel better. I compensate how I feel with food, alcohol, and even smoking sometimes. It's not because I want to do those things. I do it to feel better. It is like my medicine. I only take it when I'm feeling sick. The trick to this medicine is it doesn't work. I still feel bad (sometimes worse) after.
After much needed contemplation and repentance, I know what I need to do. I need to stop pretending like I am okay when I am not. With no disclaimers, I admit I am still in pain from my relationship ending. I admit I am mad as HELL for my parents for not wanting to do more not for me but for themselves. I admit my biggest fear is losing my granny. I admit I want to be loved so bad that I would do just about anything for the attention from a man. I admit sometimes I just want to curl in a ball and not leave my bed for a week. I admit I wish I grew up with my sister and I am pissed that my dad pretended like she didn't exist. I wish my dad never had his aneurysm. Maybe, just maybe life would be so different. I admit I don't know how to love that is why I lose friends and I confuse men. I don't know what I am doing have the time. I admit I am like waiting for a savior. I know Jesus is my Savior but sometimes it doesn't feel that way. I admit I don't look at bills or my bank account because I know I owe and I know I don't have the money so it is just easier to pretend like the balances don't exist.
I am having a face-off with myself. I am "man-ing" up to my feelings and my actions. I know what they are, now I have to just win this battle against them. No longer will I allow the pain, hurt, sorrow, and impotent desires dictate my actions. I can do all thing thru Christ who strengthens me including the face-0ff!

Changing the Game

I tend to be attracted to guys who are not on my level. For many years, I have wondered why. Is it because I knew I would be the best thing that ever happened to them? Is it because I knew they could not every do any better than me. Or is it because my self-esteem is so low that I do not believe I can keep the attention of a professional man? This, my friends, is sad.
I know I deserve better. So, why am I afraid to be matched with a man with the same intellectual capabilities of me? For years, I have made excuses for the low-lifes I talk to but I believe it is time to put an end to it. Maybe I am growing up or maybe I realize I have gotten no where with the past guys in my life. You can't keep doing the same thing expecting different results. So, I am changing things up. I love a forceful man and I use to believe I could only have one if he was a street thug. Why can't a professional man be just as forceful? Let's think about it. The way a lawyer can walk into a room and argue his case commanding all the attention in a room with just words. That's forceful. Or the way a CEO of a Fortune 500 company regulates his employees and not only takes charge but stays in charge. The point is I am attracted to manly men. I like men enjoy working with their hands, who are not push-overs (only to me!), who love hard, and command respect. Professional men just didn't seem to offer that to me.
But I would never know if I don't at least attempt to date a professional man. So, I am changing the game. Opening my heart to something different: a good man.

Discipline

Discipline. This is definitely one of my biggest struggles. I can set a plan and even begin but somewhere along the road I get distracted. I stop. When I stop, I question my passion. I lose who I am for a moment. And other times, I admit I am simply lazy. Well, this new year I made a decision to practice discipline. Granted, I have made this decision before but I am going to succeed this time around. What's so different about this time is I have no choice. The times before now, I could mess up and still rebound. This time there is no room for me to be lazy. I would be messing with my future. So, I guess when it came down to it. I had to make a choice: life or death. Failure without trying is death to me.
I have my future in my hands. God has brought me to this place in my life. He didn't leave me but He is allowing me to follow my own will. I want to be great, not just good. I have all the tools I need to succeed. Yes, I even have discipline. I just have to practice using it. So, here goes nothing: I will not be on facebook until after I have taken the MCAT in May & following a healthier diet. It has been two days strong and I am encouraging myself every step of the way. So hopefully the next time I return to facebook, I will be 40 lbs lighter with a MCAT score of 30. Keyword: Discipline.

When Is My Turn...

I am 23 years old and have yet to experience a serious relationship. I want to court, fall in love, get married, and have kids. I am not looking to play the field or any field at that. I am simply desiring that one guy to sweep me off my feet. I pray and pray for it. I know my prayers have already been answered probably years ago. God has already prepared a man for me and he is on is way to me this very minute. I believe this with all my heart.
It is just difficult at times to watch all your friends court, fall in love, get married, and have kids. I can't help but wonder when will I be able do the same. It gets pretty lonely with just me and God. If I am still lonely with even God, what does that say about our relationship. I don't think it means I am not lost in God enough. I think it just means I am human. Although, my spirit is full, my flesh is not. The weakness of our flesh is what has us begging for the worldly things and everything that looks good. I know everything that looks good is not necessarily good for me. I want everything God wants me to have. I don't plan to jump the broom anytime soon unless it is in God's will. I will continue to pray for guidance and patience. Despite being prayed up, I can't help but wonder when is my turn....

A New Beginning...

I want this blog to be reflection of the person I am becoming inside. I want to share my deepest and darkest secrets on here because I am not able to share them with people. Most of all I want to document my journey on the road less traveled.

2011 will be one of the most important years of my life. I am scared to death and worried. Those are two of the things God says I shouldn't be. If I am going to worry then I shouldn't pray and if I am going to pray then I shouldn't worry. So which shall it be? Well, it will be me praying and worrying slightly. As for the fear, I should only fear God. And I do, but sometimes I hold on to things and try to change them for and by myself. That is probably one of the biggest mistakes I could do.
This year I am taking action. If I feel myself worrying, I will pray or read from my counter book. A counter book is a book with scriptures written in it to help me fight my biggest enemy: ME. Sometimes I get so lost in me that I can't see the bigger picture God has already painted for me. I am tired of driving. I am putting God back in the driver seat.
Back to 2011 being a big year! This year I take the MCAT (only once), I apply to medical schools, I interview for medical schools, and I get all A's. Okay, so I just added the last part but I couldn't help myself. I want to be great. Not just typical great, but GREAT! This is why I chose to take the road less traveled. It hasn't been an easy road thus far by no means, but I do believe it is the right road for me.