These past few months I have realized quite a few things about myself. First, I learned that I am a giver. I give until I can't give anymore. Actually, I take that back because even when I can't give anymore I still try to give. I would probably give up my last breath if it could save someone's life. Although being a giver can be a positive thing, it is also an often abused attribute. People do take advantage of me. It hurts when they do it but for some odd reason I cannot say no. Now, the people who tend to take advantage of me are the people I care for the most. Strangers and associates I can say no to because they mean nothing to me.
Another thing I am guilty of is taking care of people. When you love someone, then you want the best for them. I notice the small things in people's lives. So, if I notice you are short on gas money, I will make sure you get to work/school if I have to drive you myself. If you are hungry, I will cook for you. If you need an ear to listen, I am willing. I am always happy to do it. The problem is no one does these things for me.
The major issue with being a giver and carer is that I end of being hurt in the long run. I give out so much and expect nothing in return. Unfortunately, my expectations are often met. So, is this a legit dilemma or am I simply tripping?
I feel as if I need to change. Not necessarily change who I am but I should definitely hold better expectations for people in any type of relationship with me. I want to be a stronger person and able to say 'No.' I don't want to allow people to walk all over me. But how can I do that without coming off mean? I am way too concern about other people's feelings that I ignore how I am feeling. I can't let that keep happening. There is nothing wrong with having such a big heart. I just have to take care of me first before I can take care of others.
Shoutout to my friends that reciprocate! I appreciate you all! I just hate you are so far away!!
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
God is Great Even When I'm Not Good
I am in between classes right now but I wanted to blog a little. It's been a minute since I have blogged. I have just been so busy living life to the fullest! I went to South Carolina to visit my sister and my bestest buddy. I had a blast! It was great to be around people who love me. I am so excited about the blossoming relationship between my sister and I! The MCAT is approaching rapidly! I am taking all the necessary steps to prepare for it so I am not worried about it. I am sometimes still in awe at how God works in my life. One of the many things I learned while in South Carolina is that God is always working. He is working in us, around us, through us, just everywhere! I know it seems like a simple message or realization but it truly was a blessing to step into the realm of God working in my life.
------Sidenote------
To you:
Sometimes I worry, sometimes I care, and sometimes I just want to know why. I realize it is all talk and you may portray life like it is getting better but at the end of the day I know everything is the same. I don't think it was me holding you back. I was only holding you down. I offered you a way out but you weren't ready. And now you are ready, but you are stuck. I pray God answers your prayers in more ways than one (Who knows he probably already has). I pray God gives you the strength to step outside of yourself and really take a look around so that you can recalculate and redirect your life to the greatness you are destined for. I will always love you.
Sincerely,
Me
------Sidenote------
To you:
Sometimes I worry, sometimes I care, and sometimes I just want to know why. I realize it is all talk and you may portray life like it is getting better but at the end of the day I know everything is the same. I don't think it was me holding you back. I was only holding you down. I offered you a way out but you weren't ready. And now you are ready, but you are stuck. I pray God answers your prayers in more ways than one (Who knows he probably already has). I pray God gives you the strength to step outside of yourself and really take a look around so that you can recalculate and redirect your life to the greatness you are destined for. I will always love you.
Sincerely,
Me
Monday, March 7, 2011
This Too Shall Pass
It's like I just woke up this morning and realized everything I need to do because I am completely overwhelmed. I am so overwhelmed that I don't even know what to do first. My hands are shaking. My mind is racing. My only desire is to crawl back in bed and start again next week. I am too close to spring break to stop now. I am too close to accomplishing my goal of becoming a doctor to stop now. Yet, all I want to do right now is cry. I haven't felt this overwhelmed since my freshman year in college. I literally had a breakdown because all of the work was just too much for me. During that time in my life I didn't believe I would ever make it out of college but I did. When you are going through, it is difficult to see the end.
There are many approaches I could do. I could go talk to a counselor to help ease/clear my mind. I could ask my teachers for extensions. I could sit here and blog about all of the things I have yet to do or even begin to do. Or I could just sit here in a daze and allow the world to pass me by.
Do you ever just get tired of your life? I do. I am tired of having to watch what I eat because I want to look physically better. I am tired of having to work my ass off as work while every one else just lolly gags their way through life. I am tired of sitting in the cold in my apartment because I cannot afford to turn on the heat. I am tired of all the scratches on my hands and arms from my job. Shoot, I hate the entire uniform. I am tired of fighting with these AMCAS people for some assistance so I can afford to sign up for my MCAT. I am just tired and on this very morning, I work up with the burden of the world on my shoulders. My neck and shoulders have been tense for months. I know that this too shall pass.
There are many approaches I could do. I could go talk to a counselor to help ease/clear my mind. I could ask my teachers for extensions. I could sit here and blog about all of the things I have yet to do or even begin to do. Or I could just sit here in a daze and allow the world to pass me by.
Do you ever just get tired of your life? I do. I am tired of having to watch what I eat because I want to look physically better. I am tired of having to work my ass off as work while every one else just lolly gags their way through life. I am tired of sitting in the cold in my apartment because I cannot afford to turn on the heat. I am tired of all the scratches on my hands and arms from my job. Shoot, I hate the entire uniform. I am tired of fighting with these AMCAS people for some assistance so I can afford to sign up for my MCAT. I am just tired and on this very morning, I work up with the burden of the world on my shoulders. My neck and shoulders have been tense for months. I know that this too shall pass.
Monday, February 28, 2011
[31 Day Reset] Day 11: Eliminating a Limiting Belief
Today, I was asked to eliminate a belief I have. I chose to eliminate: I am not good enough. It is a recent realization that I sort of compare myself to others and I always end up feeling second best. I feel like no matter what I do or how hard I try I will never be good enough. Anyway as part of the [31 Day Reset], I was asked to go to Morty Lefkoe's website and sign up to eliminate at least one of the limiting beliefs listed.
Lefkoe first, encourages you to find the source of the believe 'I am not good enough.' It's weird but he kind of help me to realize that my belief stems from my parents not praising me enough. I won awards and kept excellent grades but since those good things were my normal I didn't get recognized as much by my parents. Thus, I never felt good enough. I also realized that when I was child, my mom would yell at me for making simple mistakes. If I didn't do something right then she would tell me I am stupid or I didn't have any common sense. Her words made me feel like I would never be able to do anything right.
Lefkoe points out how I interpreted the meanings of the events is what led me to believe 'I'm not good enough'. I put the meaning into the event. I took not being able to fully satisfy my parents as be falling short. When in actuality the event, could have been interpreted as simply my parents wanting me to do even better than okay or maybe my parents were just over-reacting. Or maybe my parents had unreasonable expectations for me and that is why they are annoyed. It was not because I was not good enough. The point is I have never heard my parents say that I am not good enough. This statement is something I essentially made up in my mind. I gave meaning to the event and meaning is in my mind. Don't get me wrong my parents actions made me feel sad. It was my feelings that led me to my interpretation.
Overall, the Lefkoe, method was an eye-opener. He made me realize my belief that 'I'm not good enough' was practically silly and all in my mind. I am good enough. In fact, I am great! I think I will also go through his method for the belief 'I'm not important enough'. I have posted his website: http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free/
Lefkoe first, encourages you to find the source of the believe 'I am not good enough.' It's weird but he kind of help me to realize that my belief stems from my parents not praising me enough. I won awards and kept excellent grades but since those good things were my normal I didn't get recognized as much by my parents. Thus, I never felt good enough. I also realized that when I was child, my mom would yell at me for making simple mistakes. If I didn't do something right then she would tell me I am stupid or I didn't have any common sense. Her words made me feel like I would never be able to do anything right.
Lefkoe points out how I interpreted the meanings of the events is what led me to believe 'I'm not good enough'. I put the meaning into the event. I took not being able to fully satisfy my parents as be falling short. When in actuality the event, could have been interpreted as simply my parents wanting me to do even better than okay or maybe my parents were just over-reacting. Or maybe my parents had unreasonable expectations for me and that is why they are annoyed. It was not because I was not good enough. The point is I have never heard my parents say that I am not good enough. This statement is something I essentially made up in my mind. I gave meaning to the event and meaning is in my mind. Don't get me wrong my parents actions made me feel sad. It was my feelings that led me to my interpretation.
Overall, the Lefkoe, method was an eye-opener. He made me realize my belief that 'I'm not good enough' was practically silly and all in my mind. I am good enough. In fact, I am great! I think I will also go through his method for the belief 'I'm not important enough'. I have posted his website: http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free/
Monday, February 21, 2011
Not Gon Cry
I was talking to some people the other day about how I can not cry. I get real sad and my eyes may even water up but tears do not flow. One person suggested I might be afraid to be seen as weak. I don't agree with that. I am not afraid of being seen as weak by others. I could care less who sees me cry. I think I don't cry now because I have been holding it in for so long that my body automatically responds with deep sorrow and no tears.
I don't cry because I don't want life to think it defeated me. I don't want life to see how it made me cry because of my circumstances. I feel if I cry, then I am forfeiting or I am throwing in the towel. Or I am weak. I guess when it all boils down to it, I don't want to be seen as weak. I don't want to be seen as someone who lets life get the best of her so I don't shed any tears.
I don't cry because I don't want life to think it defeated me. I don't want life to see how it made me cry because of my circumstances. I feel if I cry, then I am forfeiting or I am throwing in the towel. Or I am weak. I guess when it all boils down to it, I don't want to be seen as weak. I don't want to be seen as someone who lets life get the best of her so I don't shed any tears.
Angel of Darkness
I was watching The Wizards of Waverly Place the other night. (yes I watch and enjoy the Disney channel) In this unique episode, one of the main characters, Justin was taken over by a Angel of Darkness. The Angel of Darkness was essentially influencing Justin to do and say bad things. This got me thinking about my "dark" ways and how my "dark" ways have been attempting to take control of my life. Like, I have these thoughts and desires that I know I should act on but I still want to any. Thus far, I haven't. The reason I haven't is because opportunity has not presented itself fully. The opportunity has been only presented partially.
So maybe I am jumping the broom to soon but what if I have an Angel of Darkness influencing me? Technically, the devil is an angel of darkness. So I guess the devil is hard at work in my life. He's not winning but I do see him working. I do feel myself leaning toward the wrong side of the tracks. The crazy thing is you know you are in the wrong when you start justifying the wrong. I will tell myself things like 'I'm just having some fun' or 'It's not a big deal'. When I know good and well, that the action I might be about to embark on is not who I am in God no matter how the angel of darkness tries to play me. Now, I just have to continue to pray for strength and to not stray to far.
The cool thing about the show was that it turns out the angel of darkness wasn't 100% evil just 95%. It was that little 5% that turned her around at the end of the show. It goes to show that no matter how far gone you believe you are you can always come back to the cross.
So maybe I am jumping the broom to soon but what if I have an Angel of Darkness influencing me? Technically, the devil is an angel of darkness. So I guess the devil is hard at work in my life. He's not winning but I do see him working. I do feel myself leaning toward the wrong side of the tracks. The crazy thing is you know you are in the wrong when you start justifying the wrong. I will tell myself things like 'I'm just having some fun' or 'It's not a big deal'. When I know good and well, that the action I might be about to embark on is not who I am in God no matter how the angel of darkness tries to play me. Now, I just have to continue to pray for strength and to not stray to far.
The cool thing about the show was that it turns out the angel of darkness wasn't 100% evil just 95%. It was that little 5% that turned her around at the end of the show. It goes to show that no matter how far gone you believe you are you can always come back to the cross.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Chasing Pavements
I don't think I am in love with him. I think I just care about him a lot. I love to know how he is doing and what's going on in his life. It makes my heart smile to see him with his seed. To see him better himself for her needs. But at the end of the day, it will be him and his seed. I don't want to come between that. Maybe that's why I only watch from afar. Because I know there will never be a space for me in his heart. I'm not in love with him but I do care.....Okay, this is starting to sound like a poem. Definitely unintentional. I just wanted to jot down some thoughts because writing helps guide me to figuring out why I feel the way I do.
I think he is a great guy with some great goals. But it is hard for me to picture us as more than what we are. We can blame it on the distance between us. We can blame it on my mood swings. We can blame it on the lack there of communication. The finger can be pointed in many directions but at the end of the day I believe in love. Love doesn't let distance, mood swings, or anything stop it from loving another person. And that's how I know I'm not in love with you.
I do believe sometimes in my mind I tend to create more than what is actually there. I'm not sure if it is just a female thing or a human thing to take everything as more than what it is. For instance, if a guy tells me he wants to see me. I will probably interpret that as he wants to see me because he really likes me and want to be with me. When in actuality, the guy just wants to see me. I think men (well, real men) say what they mean the first time. If they tell you the love you, then they probably do. If he tells you likes you, they he does. But if he never comes to you and says he wants to be with you, then he doesn't. So, don't assume just because yall kick it that he wants to be with you. Shoot, maybe he just likes kicking it with you. Nothing to deep. I have been practicing take words especially from guys for its face value. Unless, the guy tells me specifically that is how he feels then I can't trip off the relationship I created in my head. Should I just give up or should just I keep chasing pavements?
I think he is a great guy with some great goals. But it is hard for me to picture us as more than what we are. We can blame it on the distance between us. We can blame it on my mood swings. We can blame it on the lack there of communication. The finger can be pointed in many directions but at the end of the day I believe in love. Love doesn't let distance, mood swings, or anything stop it from loving another person. And that's how I know I'm not in love with you.
I do believe sometimes in my mind I tend to create more than what is actually there. I'm not sure if it is just a female thing or a human thing to take everything as more than what it is. For instance, if a guy tells me he wants to see me. I will probably interpret that as he wants to see me because he really likes me and want to be with me. When in actuality, the guy just wants to see me. I think men (well, real men) say what they mean the first time. If they tell you the love you, then they probably do. If he tells you likes you, they he does. But if he never comes to you and says he wants to be with you, then he doesn't. So, don't assume just because yall kick it that he wants to be with you. Shoot, maybe he just likes kicking it with you. Nothing to deep. I have been practicing take words especially from guys for its face value. Unless, the guy tells me specifically that is how he feels then I can't trip off the relationship I created in my head. Should I just give up or should just I keep chasing pavements?
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